in a world that's come undone at the seams

++ desperate for your attention ;; ++

Monday, July 04, 2005
10:30:00 PM

i wishi lost a legthen she would be nice to me.not fake nice like she was just now.really nice.she'd let me see himcos i'd be depressedjust i am going to be.. or was.she would let me do whatever i want.she wouldn't try to stop me..and i wouldn't have to take math examsand disappoint my super sweet math tutor.msged him to say i wouldn't do well for math cos of some stuff happening at home. and he was so sweet, he asked if he couldnt help with anything. then.. yeah i don't know lah.
i hate her for turning my life upside down. if we were still in daisy she wouldn't have seen the camera in the first place beacuse. it would be in the study room. and she wouldn't go there in the first place.and i hate that she intrudes on my privacy.i hate that she reads my letters and checks my wallet for photos. i hate that she glanced through my camera pictures.i hate that i have no more privacy. i hate that i can't even cry it out.
and now when she talks to me i just want to say: GO AWAY FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU DON'T COME BACK FOR 5 DAYS PLEASE.i just. need my space.and my privacy. STOP CONTROLLING MY LIFE. if i choose to be with him i'm going to make my own mistakes. and fuck no im not going to get pregnant for God's sakes. i'm smarter than that!
GRRRRRRRRRR. and so she says: you think ure so smart lah huh. would ABC or XYZ get a boyfriend? NO. they're too smart for that. like wtf. i know ABC and XYZ had/have boyfriends. like GRR go away. so i just kept quiet and wished that i would die.
GO AWAY PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE. everytime you talk to me i just want to run away. do you know how much misery you're causing mei wish you would read this.
how can you just totally disapprove of someone and not even meet them. give them a chance to prove themselves to your UNBELIEVING SELF. like WHAT THE FUCKi don't know what to think or do anymorelast night she threatened to take me to a counsellor. i really don't mind. then maybe i can repeat my whole fucked up story. then he/she can tell my mother. then YAY. problem solved hopefully.
initially i thought it would be solved when she met him.but she doesn't even want to give him a chance.HAHA GOD WHY IS MY LIFE LIKE THIS.
do you know. MOTHER. that sometimes when you scold me and question me, i know how much you don't trust me. and i just want to jump and end it all. i'd be so free, free of everything.and then. i know that it wouldn't be fair to myself. cos i haven't finished this fight. no i'm not going down without a fight.
i just wish you would stop being so unreasonable and childish. then you could see my point of view. but that isn't going to matter. cos what i wish isn't going to come true.

GAH. why can't it go away. someone wake me up this is just a bad dream. just a bad dream. please. let it be so.